Conventional wisdom has long held that while “a man must toil from sun to sun, a woman’s work is never done.”  And indeed, recent studies show that while women are now the primary breadwinners in 37% of households with children, on average women still do three times more housework than men.

No one knows exactly why women carry most of the load at home even when they also carry most of the burden of making a living.  Is it something about men and women in general that leads to this or is it just that social expectations towards women are still based on reruns of Leave It To Beaver?

To find out researchers are studying gay and lesbian couples, and though such marriages are fairly new, research indicates that housework, cooking and childcare are much more evenly distributed in gay – and especially in lesbian – relationships.

In an article in this month’s issue of The Atlantic magazine author Liz Mundy reports that women married to (or in a committed relationship with) another woman tend to divide everything  as evenly as possible, even keeping loose change in “Hers & Hers” jars that are equal to the penny.  Gay men are not as careful about maintaining marriage equality but do share chores much more than men married to women do.  Several gay men who had previously been married to women admitted that they hadn’t done near as much around the house or with the kids during those years (which seemed to infuriate the women researchers mentioned in the article).

So it appears that it isn’t necessarily men’s and women’s natures that lead to the overburdening of heterosexual wives so much as deeply embedded expectations of what husbands and wives should do, even when the wife is defying expectations by being the primary breadwinner.

When my wife Lori and I were married in 1985 she taught school and I was a grain farmer.  Since this situation left me at home during the winter I made myself do some things around the house, like vacuuming and dishes.  I even learned how to cook so that once or twice a week I could help out that way.  Once we had kids I realized I’d better learn to change diapers and do laundry but stopped cooking and did hardly anything when Lori was home on weekends.

Yes, ladies, I know this was because I’m a typical male chauvinist, but it was also because Lori did a much better job of all these things than I did.  She won’t let me do dishes anymore because I do them wrong – I didn’t even know it was possible to wash a spoon wrong.

Marriage experts have noticed that women seem to be better at some things (like childcare, housework, cooking etc.) while men are better at others (like working in the yard, lying on the couch watching TV, etc.).  So rather than advise couples to seek an even division of labor – which has been shown to make marriages even less happy — they now advise husbands and wives to focus on doing the things they’re good at and let the division of labor evolve in the way that works best for each particular marriage.  But as all women know, they’re better at most things than men are, so while at least some men may have to labor from sunrise to sunset, women’s work, unfortunately, still will never be done…

In case you’re ever looking for musical paradise, it’s down a winding lane in Champaign, Illinois.  GPS units are of no use in magical places, but you can find the right house by all the roses blooming around the mailbox.

We made a pilgrimage to Champaign last weekend on a quest for a vibraphone for our son Thomas.  Thomas started playing the school’s set of vibes last summer and by January it was clear he needed a set of his own.

Vibraphones, however, aren’t easy to come by.  We did find a couple of music stores that thought they could order one, and one dealer even located a couple of top-end instruments that were being sold by a college.  These vibraphones originally cost $8,000 each so even though they were being offered for much less, they were way out of our price range.  So I sent out feelers among musicians I know and waited for something to develop.

In March the Arts Council presented the internationally-acclaimed duo Acoustic Eidolon, featuring Joe Scott on 14-string guitar and his wife, Hannah on ‘cello.  After their concert we told them about Thomas’ interest in the vibes and the difficulties we were having finding an affordable set.  Hannah proceeded to tell us that her dad had a set that he might be willing to sell.

Hannah was kind enough to contact her father Richard about this, and he soon got in touch.  He’d had his set since the early 60s when he’d studied with vibes master Terry Gibbs in New York City, and I wasn’t sure he really wanted to part with them.  Every musical instrument has its own personality and in time becomes an extension of its owner.  But he seemed to understand that Thomas was serious about playing the vibes so he took the opportunity to “pass the torch” to a new generation.

After 600 miles on the road Richard met Thomas at the door by saying “Welcome to the beginning of your new life!”  The vibes sat glistening in the middle of a room surrounded by a harpsichord, two vintage Gibson guitars, lots of sheet music and CDs, and a Bosendorfer grand piano.  Bosendorfer is generally considered the finest piano made, and has extra keys at the low end.

Richard is a remarkable man in many ways – talented, warm, intelligent, and kind.  But most of all, Richard has managed to stay young.  It was evident in his eyes the moment we saw him, and came through clearly as he played.

Our visit was very much a “passing of the torch.”  Richard not only sold his beloved instrument to us (he told it goodbye before we left), he took a lot of time teaching Thomas how to improvise the blues.  Thomas’ life won’t ever be the same, and Lori and I will be forever grateful for the time, care and patience Richard showed him.

It was great jamming with Richard but the high point came when Richard played solo piano.  He started with an incredible jazz piece he’d written and finished with Ravel’s famously difficult Ondine.

I’ve been blessed to hear many fine musicians in my life, but none finer than Richard (maybe it’s because he’s kept music as a passion rather than making it his profession).  His every note was played with pure delight, and it was delightful to listen.

We had never had such an experience in our lives, and hope to make many more trips to Richard’s home.  It was a truly magical experience and Richard was right – it was the beginning of Thomas’ new life in music.