There seems to be a great longing for the past these days, for a time before the civil rights and women’s movements, before environmental regulations and especially before the Affordable Care Act brought health insurance to millions. With this nostalgia for the ‘good old days’ in mind, and considering that efforts to gut the Affordable Care Act through tax legislation are currently underway, it seems appropriate to consider more traditional – and much less expensive – forms of medical treatment.
Humanity survived for untold millennia without antibiotics, MRIs, or even anesthetic. And while traditional techniques might appear primitive by today’s standards, they served our ancestors well. So for anyone afraid of losing their health coverage, I’d like to offer some remedies from Nebraska’s past, as compiled by Roger Welsh in A Treasury of Nebraska Pioneer Folklore. (Please understand, though, that you need to sue Mr. Welsh – not me – if any of these cures doesn’t work and/or produce undesirable side effects.)
To avoid headaches, the hairs left in one’s comb should be burned regularly, “lest some bird find them and build its nest from them.” If this happens your headache will last until the “fledglings leave the nest.” But should one fail to exercise proper caution with one’s hair, just glue a cottonwood leaf to each temple. When they fall off (taking the skin with them), you’ll never have a headache again.
For an earache melt a grub worm and pour the warm grease into the afflicted ear. Sore throats can be cured by wrapping a “soiled, black stocking around the neck with the heel always placed over the Adam’s apple.” And for a cold try ingesting a teaspoon of skunk grease.
For a cough “render lard from a skunk and apply it to the chest.” Or make a syrup of kerosene, sugar and onion juice. For croup, just administer the kerosene. And for pneumonia, cut a live chicken in two and place the halves over the lungs.
For colic, steep a teaspoon of soot and give that to the baby, while hiccoughs can be cured by getting someone to pull on your tongue until your mouth bleeds.
People living along the Dismal River used to treat tuberculosis by drinking warm animal blood. And for quinsy, gargle gunpowder and glycerin.
Eye problems require a different approach. To get rid of a sty “go for a ride early in the morning. Stop at the first crossroads and say: Sty, sty, come off my eye/And go to the next passer-by. Do not look at the spot again until you’re sure someone has gone by.”
To cure bladder ailments, drink a quart of cocklebur tea. To stop bedwetting, feed the child the “hind legs of a rat fried crisp.” A toothache can be cured by pricking the gum with a toothpick until it bleeds. One must then stick the toothpick into the bark of a tree. But make sure no one sees you or this won’t work.
Last but not least is a simple cure for asthma. Just “go down to a river and catch a frog. Pry its mouth open and blow your breath into it. This must be done before daylight. The frog will die before sunset with asthma, but the person will never have it again.”
Today, as our nation seeks to turn back the clock in so many ways, it would be wise to look carefully at the past. Things were certainly different then, but were they really better? Let’s hope traditional medicine was better, though, because soon that may be the only health care millions of Americans can afford.