It’s come to my attention that my columns haven’t been appearing in the Albion News for some time now. Worse yet, I’m told that my space has been filled by some talented young newcomer named Gabby – who, believe it or not – is a woman! I suppose if I actually subscribed to the News I’d have known all this sooner, but really, who ever heard of a woman in the newspaper business!
It all started some months ago when “Big Jim” – that’s what Editor Dickerson’s friends call him – summoned me to his office. “What’s up, Big Jim?” I asked when I arrived. “That’s Editor Dickerson to you, Hosford!” “Yes sir!” I squeaked.
“Hosford, I want to get to the bottom of what’s happening in Washington. There’s too much fake news floating around. Here’s $25 and a bus ticket. Get to Washington on the double and send me the real stories.”
Wow! This was the chance I’d been waiting for during all my 37 years as an unpaid intern. I headed off that very afternoon.
The Secret Service looked at me funny when I presented my credentials, but they let me in just in time for Sarah Huckabee-Sanders’ daily press conference. I knew she was a crusty character and I was prepared for some serious verbal jousting. My chance came sooner than I expected. Before starting, she squinted at me and said “Hey, new guy, is that your nose or are you eating a banana?”
I quickly stuffed my half-eaten banana into my pocket. “What paper are you from?” she demanded. “The Albion News,” I stammered. “Oh, Big Jim’s paper. He only publishes fake news.” And that was the last time she paid any attention to me even though I had a long list of questions, like what President Trump planned to do about the starving Armenians or the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa.
That is, until later in the day. $25 doesn’t go very far in our nation’s Capital, so after the press conference I looked around the White House for someone who could give me a lead on a cheap room. But I couldn’t find a soul. I eventually settled into an unused bedroom until I could find better accommodations.
The banana in my pocket was all squished so I went looking for the White House kitchen. It was empty, too, until Ms. Huckabee-Sanders came in. She seemed a little surprised to see me but told me to make her a sandwich. I learned later that the few people still there mostly ate McDonalds’ take-out – all they had was baloney so I made that for her while I drank the Kool-Aid.
After finishing her sandwich Ms. Huckabee-Sanders said, “Look, fella, you want the real story of what’s going on? I’ll give you the low down on things if you’ll get me something to eat besides baloney. The stuff I tell at the press conferences is all spun for the lame-stream media. But I can give you the real story. Just think how impressed Big Jim will be.”
She had a deal, and in exchange for a box of Twinkies every day I got the inside scoop. I sent all the stories back to Editor Dickerson via teletype – “Trump saves bus full of nuns!” “Trump beats Putin at checkers!” “Trump named Mr. Universe!” I could just see readership of the News skyrocketing because of my reporting.
But when my $25 finally ran out I had to come back to Albion and ask for more. You can imagine my surprise when Big Jim – er, I mean Editor Dickerson – read me the riot act for not sending any stories! I told him I’d teletyped a story every day, but he said the News hadn’t had a teletype in 40 years. Geez, like it’s my fault they haven’t kept up with technology!
After a lot of begging I got my unpaid internship back, but with the stipulation that I have to subscribe to the News so I know what’s in it (like I can afford that). So I’m back, but I still can’t get over Editor Dickerson not having a teletype – or allowing a woman to write for his newspaper!